Repost: The Cost of Neglect

My work had become my mistress and my wife had had enough. What would happen to us?By John Davidson

I couldn’t explain why, but for months, I had a gnawing sense that my life was off track. And I certainly never would have guessed the marital havoc I’d reap because of my misplaced priorities. Feeling unsettled, and with the thought that physical exercise would clear my head, one spring day I grabbed my shiny new ax and headed out to begin splitting wood.

Why is Maria* so unhappy? I wondered. She’d grown up in a violent home that ultimately exploded in divorce, but hadn’t I rescued her from all that almost 15 years ago? She was now married to a successful doctor from an intact Christian family. Wasn’t that enough to bring her the stability, security, and “normal life” she’d always dreamed of?

What Maria hadn’t dreamed of was a husband whose medical practice kept him away from his family until long after the kids had gone to bed. During the little time I was at home, I was usually preoccupied with finances. I took big risks to achieve financial “security.” So what if we occasionally bounced a few checks? We lived in a huge new house in an exclusive neighborhood.

Yet I felt empty. The harder I worked to give Maria everything she could want, the more a cold, deep chasm widened between us.

Finally, desperately, I lowered my ax and cried out to God. “There’s got to be more to life than this. I want your best, Lord, no matter what the cost.”

Instantly and clearly I felt his response: No matter what the cost?

The hair on the back of my neck stood up. But I was desperate. Even if this was a warning, it didn’t matter; my life needed to get back on course.

I took a deep breath and affirmed, “No matter what the cost.”

Struck down

Nothing changed for several weeks. Then out of the blue, Maria said the words every husband dreads: “We need to talk.”

She told me she’d become romantically involved with our kids’ soccer coach, Kyle. No matter how much I reasoned, scolded, or preached, I couldn’t change her mind.

“It’s been five years since I’ve felt anything for you, or even anything from you for that matter,” she spat. “I’ve found someone who doesn’t take me for granted. I feel loved again. It’s too late. I don’t want the future I see with you!”

My heart sank. I was speechless. I decided to move my stuff to the guest bedroom, but I wasn’t ready to give up on the marriage.I reached through the darkness to comfort my sobbing wife. But to my horror when my hand reached hers, I felt the hard, cold steel of her .38 caliber Lady Smith revolver.

Within a week Kyle had the audacity to call her at our house, even when I was there. I was furious when she’d talk to him for hours. It was as though she were taunting me, knowing I couldn’t stop her. Finally, I could take it no longer. I demanded she move out.

“If you don’t like it, you can get out,” she exploded. “I’m not going anywhere. This is my home and my children’s home. You’re barely more than a stranger here.”

Her words felt as if she’d stabbed me in the heart with a dagger. But I knew she was right. I would have to go.

The next day I found myself in a cheap apartment, working out child custody arrangements for our two children. The child and spousal support she demanded crushed any hope of honoring my enormous debts.

I felt alone. My parents were a great encouragement to me and prayed for me daily. Yet I couldn’t look to them for any financial help since a lot of my debt was to my father. And I didn’t have anyone to turn to at church, since I hadn’t gone to church in years. The only one I could turn to for help was the priest at the Catholic church my wife occasionally attended. I think part of my reason for choosing him, though, was to ruin any chance of her seeking his help.

I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t stop crying. Day and night my mind raced as I frantically tried to figure out how to put things back together. While I wanted to place all the blame on Maria, I couldn’t escape my responsibility in what was happening. With self-loathing, I thought about all those times I’d chosen work over my family. Because I hadn’t been there, Kyle was.

I found out Kyle had a reputation of preying on unhappy married women. Maria had become an easy target. With this new information, I felt a deep anger and hatred I’d never felt before, and at times it scared me. While I knew I’d never go through with it, I was filled with thoughts of wanting to kill him, to watch the last spark of life fade from his evil blue eyes.

On my bad days, suicide became an attractive option. Three things kept me from killing myself. I knew from my earlier conversation with God that he was doing something with me, and he wasn’t finished. I knew I still loved Maria and desperately wanted her back and my family restored. And if all other reasoning failed, I knew I could never let Kyle have my wife, family, and home without fighting to my last breath.

The only good thing I had going was my faith in God. We were growing closer than I could have ever imagined. I’d started going to a church where a few of my physician friends were elders. They knew my situation, and the church began praying for me. On days I felt the most hopeless, I’d whisper a simple, “911,” and he’d always respond with comforting Scripture, such as, “We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 4:7-9).

Beyond repair

A year into this mess, my life was still a wreck—my work suffered, I was facing bankruptcy, I still couldn’t sleep or eat, and my anger continued to bubble just under the surface. Although we weren’t yet divorced, I knew our relationship was beyond repair. So one weekend, I drove up to a cabin my parents owned on the coast of northern California. More than 16 years earlier on those same rugged cliffs, I’d asked Maria to be my wife. At sunset I went to the spot where I’d proposed to her.

“Lord, I’m done. I can’t fix this. The way it’s been going, I just seem to make things worse by trying. I don’t know where you’re taking me, but it looks like you’re taking me there alone.” I choked back tears. “But Lord, that’s okay. You alone are enough for me. As long as you’re with me, I’ll be all right. Watch over Maria; I love her.”

As the last orange-red dot of sun snuffed itself out in the rolling gray Pacific, I slipped off my wedding band and hurled it into the dark, angry waters below. Wiping a tear from my eye, I felt a strange peace wash over me, a sense of calm and release.

Desperate escape

Several days later the phone rang, waking me from the most restful sleep I’d had in months. I glanced at the clock on my bedside table and saw it was 2 A.M.

“I need to see you,” Maria sobbed into the phone, her frail, desperate voice almost unrecognizable. “I can’t talk about it over the phone. Can you come over?”

I raced across town to the house. My 12-year-old son, David, answered the door. His wide eyes and quivering chin gave me apprehensive chills. His 10-year-old sister, Rachel, stood behind him wearing one of my old T-shirts.

I gave them each a big hug and asked, “Where’s Mom?” David pointed to the bedroom door without saying a word.

Through the darkness, I could barely make out Maria curled on the bed, softly crying. I sat beside her and stroked her head. I moved my hand down Maria’s soft slim arm, but to my horror when my hand reached hers, I felt the hard, cold steel of her .38 caliber Lady Smith revolver. Her grip on the gun tightened.

Summoning all my professional, self-control, I asked as calmly as I could, “Did you want to talk?” “It’s no use,” she whispered. “I’ve torn apart our family, thrown away my faith, and deeply hurt you and our children. I can’t live with what I’ve done, and I can’t see any way out. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry … and goodbye.”

Panic struck. I’d seen patients in this state before, so I knew she was in real danger of killing herself. “Don’t throw your life away,” I pleaded. “Even if it’s over for us, God can put your life back together. Our children still need their mother. We can still be friends. I still love you and God still loves you. Please … give me the gun.“

She clutched the revolver to her chest as if it were her last hope of escape.

I offered a silent but frantic plea: 911! My upturned eyes welled with tears. Each moment an eternity, braced for what might next be a gunshot, God gently whispered into my mind the words from Psalm 23:4: “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.”

Finally, slowly, she handed over the revolver.

“Thank you, Jesus,” I sighed, then offered to pray with her. I stayed for a few hours to make sure she and the kids would be okay, and we both agreed to keep some space between us for a while to think about our lives and marriage. Then I took the revolver out to the car and drove back to my apartment. Although I didn’t know what would happen next, I was sure God was at work in each of us.

Lives restored

A few weeks after that tumultuous night, Maria called me again with, “We need to talk.” This time, however, I felt no dread, but instead hope from the warm tone in her voice. As I drove over, I wondered what God had in store for me now.

“Since that night you came to the house, I’ve put my life back in God’s hands,” Maria said with a warmth in her eyes I hadn’t seen in a long time. “If you feel you can forgive me, I’d like to give our life together another chance. I want you to come home.”

I hugged her and said, “Of course I forgive you. I just need to know if you can forgive me. If you’ll take me back, I swear I’ll be the husband you deserve. This time we need to put God first in our marriage every day.”

It was difficult when I moved back in. I had to prove myself through my schedule at work. Kyle was out of the picture, but the feelings of betrayal still lingered. We had to continually practice forgiveness and rebuild trust.

To help undo some of the trauma to our kids, we became active members in a church with a strong youth program. We began to read the Bible and pray as a family. I set my financial sights lower and spent more time at home. Slowly our family was restored, and our marriage was better than I ever imagined it could be.

Still, I hadn’t completely forgiven her. At times my emotions felt beyond my control. One day I’d be gratefully rejoicing that our family was restored. The next day pain and anger would eclipse the sunlight God had brought back into our lives. After almost a month of feeling torn in two, I sent up my last 911 prayer. I expected an answer in the Scriptures as had happened so many times before. But God had heard the cry of my heart and had prepared an answer I would never have expected.

Our home itself showed the effects of neglect, and I began to put things back in order. As I walked through the overgrown weeds beside the house, I stumbled across my ax. I’d last used it a year earlier, on the day I went outside to clear my head and ended up asking God to take control of my life.

That day I left the ax—shiny and new—on the fresh spring grass. Now, filthy and pitted with rust, the ax seemed useless. I was about to throw it in the trash but decided instead to put it to the grindstone. The metal screamed as bright sparks flew. It reminded me of what God allowed me to go through. As the corrosion vaporized in a wisp of blue-gray smoke, I sensed that God had a question for me: Will I ever hear you say your “no matter what the cost” prayer again?

I looked down at the razor-sharp blade glinting in the morning sun, showing signs of wear but now as sharp as the day I bought it. A lump formed in my throat. Still, a smile crept across my face. I whispered, softly and thankfully, “Yes, Lord. Every day.”

John Davidson, M.D., is a pseudonym for a family practice physician who lives with his wife of 25 years in northern California. Portions of this article adapted from Focus on the Family Physician, September/October 2002.

*Names and some details have been changed.

Source: https://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2008/september/19.58.html

Scholarship Testimony

I am constantly reminded that God Almighty is not deaf. He can hear me and He honours my request. Father, I give all glory to you. I have come to say thank you Jesus!!!

i I just graduated from University of Kent Canterbury with a Law degree but my story began in the summer of 2019 when I was awarded a mini pupillage at  4 Paper Building(4PB) where I worked with a lovely experienced barrister. This is a form of work experience for aspiring barristers. I regarded this as a wonderful achievement for my journey on becoming a barrister. The barrister I worked with strongly advised me to apply for a scholarship that was available to my cohort. She gave me her mobile number and offered to review my application with me. I took her advice and applied to the The Honourable society of the Middle Temple. 

The application was submitted a couple of hours before the deadline because I am mostly not good with dates. I usually end up missing important deadlines and meetings. On this occasion, I only began my application a week before it was due. It was a total of two days to complete the application including multiple edits and proofreads. Once I had completed the application, all that was left was for my tutors to submit a reference supporting my application. One of my tutors had forgotten to do this and by the time I reminded him, the deadline had passed. He managed to submit the reference the evening I reminded him and even told me what he had written. At this time I was afraid that a late submission and incomplete application could potentially disqualify my application. 

Four months after, I received a response with an initial interview date. Things were looking promising until Covid -19, the global crisis forced the country into an extended period of quarantine.  My interview was cancelled and I became worried as I wasn’t provided with a new date and I was also preparing for my university final exams. Thankfully, I received a new interview date during my exams which was scheduled to take place on Starleaf. From that moment, I began praising and praying to God that his will would be done. As fear and doubt started to creep into my mind, I prayed even harder & declared that I would get the scholarship in the name of Jesus. I was led to test God’s word which I did, I prayed asking that there’d be no rain on the day of my interview if this was God’s will for me. I went ahead to check the weather forecast for the week of the interview and it was projected to rain. I did not lose faith over this but continued to declare the promises of God for me. 

On the day of the interview, after some technical difficulties we were able to complete the interview smoothly and promptly. It went so well and there was no rain on the day. It  was one of the sunniest days we’ve had this year. In the excitement of how well my interview was going, I forgot to mention some other points which were key to my application. I explained this to the administrator after the interview and she confirmed that there was nothing to be done at this stage. My heart sunk and worry gripped me. Not for too long however as I went on to give God praise for the scholarship. I decided to act in faith and took a photograph of myself outside my home as I was aware that my university would need one for the website upon news of me being awarded the scholarship. 

A month later, I received an email from the administrator which I was hesitant to open. My heart was beating so loud you could hear it. I opened the email after two minutes of being dramatic and immediately set eyes on £1300. I was overjoyed and filled with excitement and upon a second look, I read the email in detail and I had been awarded £13000 from the Diana, Princess of Wales Scholarship and Blackstone Exhibition Award. My God had exceeded my expectations once more by granting me £13K instead of the £10K I was expecting. I was also awarded admission fees and a call to the bar.

I praise God because this a a career that black people are considered disadvantaged when trying to get into careers as above. So though statistics determine that black people are at a disadvantage God has determined that He can create advantage regardless of the statistics of the world

Boss chic series: Interview with business woman Sarah Alonge

1. Why did you start your business?

I started my business randomly. I say this not because there was no thought to it, but because I did not expect for me to start a business at that time and certainly not in the area of fashion and retail to say the least. I was asked to buy someone a style outfit called iro and buba from one of my trips to Lagos. The price of this outfit shocked me so I decided to do research of how much it would cost me to purchase fabric and get it seamed. The cost was almost half the retail price I saw in Lagos. Like everyone I like a good bargain so I thought let me just make this for this girl. But then it was like a lightbulb moment. Based on the figures I saw, it was a no brainer that I could start to retail this item at an affordable price. And at this time it was a trend that was not easily accessible. There was a gap in the UK market for it.

What was funny is a year or so prior I received a prophecy from my Bishop that I will start a business. At this time I had no idea that I would. But that planted a seed and here we are now.

2. How did you then start your business?

Fortunately for me, my mum also sells fabric. She has suppliers across 3 separate continents. Around the time I decided to start S’Alongé my mum was in Dubai and so I sent her some money, £400 to be precise and asked her to get me metres of silk chiffon in a variety of prints and enough in one print to make a minimum of 3 or max of 5 outfits. I then found an online platform I could sell on and used this to design my website. Resources were not endless at this time so it was important for me to be resourceful. I spent hours putting together a website. This involved endless youtube tutorials on coding, fiddling we a number of ready-made templates, putting together pages and comparing a variety of websites. Once my website was complete, I needed images of the items I wanted to sell. So I arranged a professional shoot. Now thankfully I knew a photographer who would not charge me extortion. I booked a studio with lights and all the rest and solicited 3 of my friends to be models. I then booked a make up artist also a friend and was able to strike a deal with her. It was important to be creative with my limited resource. I was the accountant, admin, developer, PA, CEO and everything else. I didn’t take out a loan for my business instead I used what I had and it worked out well for me.

3. What advice would you give to young women who want to succeed in business?

Be patient. Success does not come over night. You also have to be adaptable to the changing market and to respond to the needs of your consumers.

What I started to do in my business is not what I currently do now. I started retailing ready to make items and to some extent I still do this. However I realised the market for me was more in the area of sourcing and retailing large quantities of fabric at wholesale prices for occasions. Also known as Asoebi. The vision of S’Alongé remains the same ‘Make every Outfit unforgettable’ But how I do this evolves with the market. On a spiritual level, always put God first in your decision making. He is the best board members, executive, chief of staff, CEO you name it. Sometimes it is overwhelming because lets face it for many it is the first time they will be doing something like this. You may not always be able to trust those around you or even your own decisions at time but you can always trust God’s.

4. After all this success, what do you struggle with now?

This is a hard one. I still don’t think I have had half as much success as I would have imagined. So I guess my biggest struggle is probably seeing myself as successful. On a practical level, it is prioritising my business as much as I do my 9-5 if not more. I work a full time job, I am involved in ministry, I have a blog and I am extremely social. So balance is my biggest struggle. But whatever you have a passion for, you will make time for.

5. How do you achieve work and having an intimate relationship with God?

One of my favourite scriptures is Romans 11:36 and it says For from Him and through Him and For Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen. This scripture humbles me every time I use one of my 101 items on my to do list as an excuse not to spend time with God.

Intimacy with God comes from the time you spend with Him. I also do not pretend. When I am overwhelmed about business, I often do moan for a few hours but ultimately I lay it down before God. Why? Because from him and through him

6. What have you learned about leadership and entrepreneurship?

Leadership is not innate. I always thought I was a born leader but the reality is I had the traits. The traits are not enough to be a leader. The secret is in the cultivating your skills, learning from others and being bold. You have to be willing to take risks and make sacrifices. You may be a business of 1 but you have to learn to lead yourself before you can lead others. Entrepreneurship and leadership have no core hours. You have to be ready at all times for that opportunity or to resolve that challenge.

7. What aspect of your success can you attribute to your relationship with God?

I feel like this is a trick question lol. God was the author of my success.

8. What or who has been your greatest influence in business and why?

Greatest influence is my mum. She has been in the game for 20 years + she knows the tricksof the game and is so unmoved by competition. She focuses on perfecting what she does best and I am learning from her daily.

9. What would you say is your greatest professional accomplishment to date?

Launching the Asoebi strand in 2015. Reason being is because I had to learn how to workacross international markets, set prices and work with demanding clients. I almost gave up after my first bride but I am so glad I didn’t. That experience taught me so much and opened doors for me.

10. What’s the best advice you have received in business that you wish to pass on to our readers?

It sound so simple but it was to never give up, and invest spiritually, financially and emotionally. We can’t expect God to invest in our businesses if we ourselves don’t invest. Put in what you want to get out.

Another is to stay in my lane but not to be afraid to pick up speed and catch up with those in front of me. This is so important. I am not here to try and be another business I am simply trying to be the best as the creative director of S’Alongé. To be the best I need to be close enough to see those ahead of me and learn from them and sometimes that means picking up the pace.

11. Are there any resources or tools you’d like to share with other small business owners that have helped you run your business? If yes, please describe (and include links if available).

Always have multiple options for payment on your site if you are retailer. I have 2 and they are PayPal and Stripe. I encourage all retailers to look into stripe as a primary means. PayPal is a known name so many feel more comfortable paying on your site if they see the PayPal logo however always set it as a secondary option. Reason being is PayPal take a 1.9% + 20p transaction fee where as stripe take 1.4% + 20p to put these figures in real terms, for an order of £100 you will pay £1.60 with stripe in comparison to £2.10 with PayPal Stripe is equally as safe as PayPal and. Overtime you will earn more money using stripe.

Get a professional email address. They cost as little as £3.30 on gmail a month to run.It gives your business more legitimacy. I personally won’t feel that anyone will take me seriously if my email address for my business is S’Alongé@hotmail.com. it is an investment worth making.

12. What is Number One Business Goal you plan to accomplish over the next year?

To Launch bridal cultural wear.

13. How do you overcome setbacks and lack of motivation?

This is hard to answer because it varies depending on issue. One thing that I have found it

to always have the vision close in sight. I Carry a note book everywhere I go that has my

vision. I have a vision board in my room. The point it to remind myself that the vision will

come to pass but only if I continue to push.

I also study successful entrepreneurs to see what their stories are. This encourages me deeply! I will use and example, the story of starbucks and how they were rejected by 242 banks. Now Starbucks is the largest coffee retailer in the world. They never gave up.

Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to enlighten us on your business journey. Keep inspiring!

Please note this interview was conducted in 2019

Visa Testimony

This testimony begins from October 2018, myself and my partner decided that we wanted to get married earlier in the year due to some personal events. The plan was for us to do our registry wedding submit my husband’s paperwork before our white wedding and engagement August 2019. My husband lived in Nigeria and myself in the UK. So due to immigration rules we would have to submit paperwork for him to live with with me in the United Kingdom.

Originally my wedding was supposed to take place in February 2020, but due to the Nigerian election this was unable to take place. Before, marrying my husband I informed him that I do not earn the sufficient minimum income needed to invite him to the UK on a spouse visa because I wanted to ensure that we was open with each other throughout our whole courtship and to not marry on lies or false hope. Instead he said we should still go ahead with the registry marriage, so we did our legal wedding on the 6^th October 2018. We wanted to submit the paperwork in April 2019 so that the visa can come out in time for August 2019 however, once again I did not have the required paperwork so decided to wait till after our white wedding.

To the glory of God, the paperwork was submitted in December 2019. One prayer that we used to pray was for the visa to come out in ‘super priority’ and this was with us not paying the extra £800 needed for the visa to come out in priority service. I went to visit my husband in December 2019 and was due to come back in the middle of January 2020 hoping that I will bring my husband back with me to the UK. As it was getting closer and closer to me leaving Nigeria, we began to grow worried that God had answered our prayers to be honest with you from that point I had given up on praying however, my husband continued to pray day and night. As it drew closer to the end of January, we decided that it is time to do somethings by faith first, he went to go and buy new luggage and started packing his things. We were obviously hoping that by the end of the month he will be out of Nigeria however we had not received any news from the home office. We grew overly concerned and were constantly looking though the paperwork ensuring that everything was intact, and we had not made any mistake which we believed was the reason that they had not answered us, but nothing was shown.

On the 17^th February, we grew even more concerned as we had realised that time was running out for the home office to reply us. My husband always said that there was a programme that he would like to attend before leaving Nigeria so decided that he will go on Wednesday. As he was on his way to the program on that faithful Wednesday my husband received a phone call that his passport was ready for collection (at this point we didn’t know whether his visa had been granted or not). He told the embassy that he will come the next morning to pick up his passport.

The next morning my husband went to pick up his passport and found out that he had been granted the visa. We were so excited and was thanking God for his mercies because a lot of prayer, money, time and effort had gone into the processing of his visa and one prayer I always prayed was that God will show Himself and make our lives a living testimony in addition shock the people around us. However, the testimony does not end there. When my husband looked at the visa in his passport, he had come to the realization that the visa had been stamped inside of his passport as of the 28^th January 2020, also when looking at the official letter of granting the visa this had been written on the 21^st January. This meant that the visa had come out in January with 6 weeks of us processing his application. God had granted us the favour for the visa to come out in the time frame of the priority service just as we prayed for.

I would like to give all thanks to God for honoring his word over our lives. I would like to encourage others to never give up on prayer because most likely God has already answered the prayer. I was very discouraged at the beginning because many people used to tell me it will take over 1 year for us to get a spouse visa, that we should hurry up and have children so that the visa will come out quickly and people never get their visa first time round. Whenever those words were said to be, I also counteracted them in my spirit, God remained faithful and honored his word in our lives. We trusted God to do the unexpected He stepped in.

As a Ladyvirtue team we are praying for you that God will do an usual miracle in your life and go against what people expect in this season. All for His glory

Mindset in my Quarantine: ‘Loosing my mind’ in Quarantine ?

MINDSET IN MY QUARANTINE

 

 

The reason I titled this post ‘Mindset in My Quarantine’ is because I wanted to make it overwhelmingly clear that though the whole country is in lockdown so we are all in the same situation, we are not all having the same experience – it is personal to you. Therefore, it is important that you are in control of the way you interact with this period of your life. Control does NOT belong to social media or what friends, family and coworkers are doing! I wanted to say that straight off the bat – hopefully it takes some pressure off of having to live up to external standards or trying to emulate other people’s experiences. Do you need to be involved in or replicate the positive (yes I said positive) things everyone is doing? Honestly? No! Do you need to do the things that are positive for you… for your household, for your growth, for the season you’re in, for what God has asked of you, called or assigned to you to do… even if it doesn’t look like what the masses are doing? A resounding yes! God hasn’t changed because of the pandemic – the same God who had a plan for you, was leading you through the various seasons of your life and desired your obedience before quarantine, is the same God during and after quarantine – His standard, thoughts and intentions towards you haven’t changed (Jeremiah 29:11).

This leads me to my first point:

1. Guard your heart from negative emotions via guarding your mind from negative words/ideas/suggestions – Romans 12:2.

It’s easy to think ‘negative’ just refers to something that is done or spoken to you directly, but it’s anything that is detrimental to your wellbeing, whether it is taking place overtly or covertly via subliminal messages or projection. Anything that produces feelings of anxiety, fear, low moods, encourages depression, makes you feel ‘less than’ or that you have to be a certain way, etc. are the negatives things I’m referring to. As we’re all spending more time interacting on social media, it’s necessary to stress the importance of ensuring our interactions, especially during quarantine, are healthy. What we are doing with our time, how we feel or how we view ourselves shouldn’t be dictated by trends on social media.

2. Create or maintain boundaries.

In quarantine, these boundaries are mainly referring to space and time. You may need to speak with those you live with and negotiate a set time that you would like to take out of your day or week, and not be disturbed (this time should take each person’s need into account, e.g. if you share a room with someone, don’t pick a time that you know they’ll need access to the space). The feeling of being restricted in movement and sharing the same environment for more intense lengths of time can translate in your mental space and emotional capacity also feeling restricted, so one may need to create space in their home that they can retreat to.

Structure and routine also provide boundaries and a sense of containment, which in turn, provides a sense of emotional security and stability, because we know what to expect and have a level of control over our daily activities. Quarantine has done a good job in throwing our normal routines into pandemonium, so it would be beneficial to create some form of structure for your days. This may mean you start and end working from home at the same times you would in the office or at least have set times in place and also ensuring you take lunch breaks and weekends off. There has to be demarcations in place to reduce stress and you can use time frames to do this.

Now if you are anything like me, who has clear boundaries for places and times, you would have found the first few days of quarantine especially difficult. Merging my home with my office and my social life was hard to say the least! I’m used to doing things in different spaces and I had attached meanings to those places. For example, my room is my haven to rest and separate from ‘the stressors of life.’ I try to keep ‘working’ to a minimum at home, unless it’s necessary. Being at home meant my mind should be present with my family and also having space to think, reflect, pray, be still and at peace. It’s like my life had become compartmentalized so everything all in one, due to lockdown, caused me anxiety! I wasn’t aware of where the anxiety was coming from until but the Holy Spirit helped me realise my thought pattern, and now the compartments I had created in my processing where conflicting – it felt overwhelming! So I had to be intentional about ‘scheduling my time,’ especially during the day where that isn’t usually my responsibility.

3. Acknowledge any change in thought or feelings.

The last point leads me here – the importance of being reflective and noticing changes in your thoughts/feelings and acknowledging your triggers, so you can address them. Being in quarantine may highlight things that had been lying dormant. You may find feelings or memories rising to the surface because your busy schedule no longer suppresses it. It may have become increasingly hard to ignore things and brush it under the carpet. Be honest with yourself about these things, allow them to come up and bring them to God in prayer. Be truthful and transparent with God; opening your heart and allowing Him to heal and deliver you, renew your thought processes with His word and do a deep work in your heart that is probably long overdue.

4. Cultivating a positive mindset

Reframing your thoughts and perspectives can help to alleviate feelings of isolation – e.g. instead of feeling lonely, you could see this time as an opportunity to revisit your goals for the year or the things you’ve left pending. Set your focus on achieving a goal or plan out how you can go about it. Being productive and actually accomplishing something gives a much need boost to your morale, even if that’s just ticking off things on your to-do list. Be proud of yourself for the ‘small victories.’

Celebrating your progress helps you maintain a heart of gratitude by focusing on what is working rather than what isn’t. And if you weren’t able to accomplish anything today, evaluate reason why you felt unable to take a step today – understanding this will help you plan how to do things better tomorrow and also highlight things you may need to overcome to get your mind in gear. It is super important that you don’t beat yourself up about it; needless to say this is counterproductive. Feeling bad will hinder you from doing the very things you desire to do – have you ever achieved something great while discouraged? Me neither. Rebuke the spirit of condemnation! (Romans 8:1) – As long as you have life you will have another opportunity.

You may be alone but you don’t have to be disconnected; connect virtually with friends and family at a time that suits you – you have the freedom and control of your own time to do the things you enjoy whenever you feel like it!

5. Consider your mental diet.

What are your ears and eyes consuming on a daily basis? Are you feeding yourself faith, positivity, possibilities, hope, good news or fear, negativity, how impossible things are, despair and bad news? They say you are what you eat, that is no different mentally, spiritually or emotionally. Aim to have fun, edifying interactions with people virtually. If you notice the things you are hearing or seeing facilitates anxiety or distress, please disconnect immediately, rebuke and cast down the thought (2nd Corinthians 10:5). Be watchful over the interactions and information you expose yourself to, regardless of the source. Limit your consumption of bad news reports, e.g. only watch the news once a day, and connect with inspiring content.

In essence, the summation of what I’m saying here is, this time of quarantine is personal to you – your experience of it is determine by the meaning you attach to it. Guard your heart from wrong perceptions. This time in your life will be whatever you make it, which doesn’t have to mirror anyone else.

If you need some help or support please don’t hesitate to reach out to us, loved ones or health care services. You aren’t alone in how you’re feeling.

Love always,

Dana

 

 

Dana Grant is  a Ladyvirtue team member and the founder of Emotional Development Mentoring.

@emotionaldevelopment312